For as long as I can remember, I’ve been extremely self-conscious about my body. As a child and early teens I used to wear really baggy clothes and felt very exposed if any of my skin was showing.
As I got older, I would only brave tighter clothes or show skin after consuming large quantities of alcohol!
Even today, parts of me still feel uncomfortable in my skin – it fluctuates - but more lately, I have been feeling confident in myself... as I am.
I’ve been labelled by others as many things; fat, thin, skinny, curvy, chubby, chunky, fit, broad, sturdy, having body dysmorphia.
I’ve yo-yo’d for years and experienced many things; over/undereating, secret eating, binge eating, zero carbs, zero sugar, juice diets, fasting, some weird gel detox pyramid scheme thing, calorie counting, macro counting, attempting to throw up after meals. I joined SW and got judged many times, ‘what are you here for?’
One phrase I would hear daily in my office job when bringing out my pre made salad and healthy snacks was, ‘oh you’re so good’, or if I was seen eating a ‘bad’ food the comments would be, ‘oh you’re so lucky, you can eat what you want’.
All of this felt extremely uncomfortable about these comments, i felt guilty, shameful and self-conscious about my healthy choices. I felt like I had to keep up this ‘good’ reputation, so would put more pressure on myself to ‘be slim’, train harder at the gym and be really hard on myself for binge eating – which happened a lot.
Everything I tried was all an attempt to ‘get skinny’. For my whole life I was holding this unconscious and unhelpful story that, ‘If I’m skinny, then I’ll be happy with myself’. But even reaching this perceived ‘skinny’ goal, I still did not feel ‘enough’.